It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog. I come and go sporadically and sometimes find it difficult to write about something when I feel I have nothing important to say. I find it a waste of time to write “ten things” articles because they are usually cliché and don’t catch my interest too often. Not to say all of those Elite Daily blogs are useless, but for me, they just don’t particularly tickle my fancy.
With that said, I actually have motivation and intention for writing for the first time in a long time. I usually don’t write unless I feel extremely passionate about something that has happened in my life… a lesson I have learned for that matter.
Recently, my mind has been consistently fluttering around the idea that I feel #foreveralone. I always try to tell myself that ONE DAY… that perfect someone will walk into my life. Someone that makes me finally understand why it never worked out with anyone else. Someone that makes it so easy to be in a relationship, it will make me wonder why I ever tried so hard to fix burns with Band-Aids.
I know it will happen someday, I just can’t help but feel lonely in the present moment. These feelings of loneliness and isolation surface especially when I see people my age getting married, having kids, or getting into relationships everyday. Have you seen social media? I feel like everyday someone new is married or hopping into a relationship. It’s just a constant reminder that I am still alone while everyone else is out getting hitched.
I know I am not alone when I say this but it makes me feel like something is wrong with me; like I am just this un-dateable blob that deserves to only have Netflix binges and indulge in chocolate and wine all day everyday feeling sorry for myself. Thanks Beyoncé for making a song praising the “Single Ladies” then going off to get married and have kids of your own.
My life has been a constant filtering of guys that never end up working out. I always find SOMETHING to make me not want to date them. And I am not just looking for ways to not date… they’re valid reasons. I almost feel like my standards for finding my perfect someone are too high. I can’t date someone who doesn’t have an ounce of intelligence, someone who isn’t somewhat into staying fit and healthy, someone with zero talent to contribute to the world, someone with no ambition, someone who doesn’t serve as an asset and compliment to my life. I feel like all of the people I have dated in the past fall into one of these categories that makes it a deal breaker for me. It makes me wonder why I ever even agreed to date them in the first place.
But when I look back and really reflect on my decisions, I finally dug up the answer: I was lonely. In the midst of loneliness, you get lost in the crowd and lose yourself. You really lose your intentions of whom you want to be with. I was seeking companionship and any guy that was remotely nice to me… I had to have him. To say the least, it was pathetic. I was so scared of being alone for a while that I would completely extinguish any standards I had and succumb to the most horrible matches for me in my dating life.
Unfortunately, I learned the hard way and wondered why it never worked out. I had horrible taste in men. I can openly admit that and know that I need to just be alone and not fall for the first guy that is willing to cuddle with me.
What really fueled my spark for writing this piece were a couple conversations I have had with people over the last few weeks.
The first conversation was with a close friend. He told me that when guys see a hot girl, they tend to drool over them simply because they look good. They don’t realize what more they have to offer because as history and stereotypes have shown, a lot of attractive women are seen as “dumb” where their looks are the only thing that gets them where they need or want to be in life. In other words, they get their lives handed to them on a platter and never really take the time to grow and become talented, intelligent contributors to this world. It sounds a little harsh, but tell me you have never come across this thought… that’s right. You’ve probably pivoted around this notion as well.
This friend told me he couldn’t believe how humble I was and how many guys would love to get the chance to be with me. In a way, I guess I am a little biased and unwilling to fill my mind with these thoughts. I was bullied my entire childhood and convinced that I would never be beautiful. People constantly made fun of me. A few comments really stuck with me:
“You need to fix your eyebrows”
“You have thunder thighs”
“You’re too much of a boy”
“You’re a nerd”
“No one likes you and you don’t have any friends”
The list goes on. I was always the brunt of so many jokes because I tried to primp myself to be ‘pretty’ but every time I did, someone would shoot me down and find SOME WAY to rip me apart. When I won the spelling bee in eighth grade, that was just fuel for the fire of my already existent label as a nerd. When I dyed my hair to get more people to think I was attractive, it ended up looking atrocious which gave people that much more ammunition to burn me with.
The main point of this rant was that I was forced to be humble because I never believed I was beautiful. I had to rely on my inner qualities because everyone else made me feel that my physical appearance would never be good enough. I learned to develop talents along the way and increase my spectrum of knowledge so that someone somewhere would find something about me attractive.
As I grew older, I learned to appreciate myself more. I looked in the mirror and realized I DO have a lot to offer to this world. I can confidently say that I have many talents and a lot to be proud of no matter what anyone else thinks.
And that leads me to the next conversation…
A really nice guy I met came up to me and said, “You know, when I first met you I was kind of intimidated by you.”
I had never heard someone say that to me before and was wondering if he was the only person who ever felt that way about me.
I asked my housemates what they thought of this and they all said, “I could see how someone might think that.”
I was surprised that people felt this way about me. I always thought I had a fairly happy, nice and welcoming demeanor.
…and I do. My housemate responded, “You’re just confident. You give off an aura about you that really stands out. I don’t even think someone needs to really know you to understand how you are because it shines off of you… and that intimidates people. You’re confident and that’s what people want and they get scared when they meet people like that.”
Something clicked in my head when I heard that. I crafted the idea in my head that maybe my confidence scares people off which is why I have never found a guy worth my time.
To no avail, my housemates all agreed. Guys want girls that are confident but get scared when it comes along and hits them in the face.
So that’s great news for me (*insert sarcastic emoji*) The first thought that came to my mind was “Well, great. I’m never going to find someone because I am too confident and it scares guys off… fantastic.”
When I thought about it some more, I realized maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t want someone who can’t handle me just the way I am. I want someone who has the same confidence, if not more, than me. That person, whomever that may be, is the type of person I want to be with. My confidence comes from the fact that I know I am intelligent, diligent, can sing, dance, write, am good at arts and crafts, and have many other talents and assets I can contribute to the world. Someone with the same level of confidence or a greater level will possess these traits by default. A confident person is confident for a reason: they have something to offer and they know it. The confidence is not just built upon their looks. I know this because even the most beautiful people are timid and self-doubting. Someone who only has his or her looks to offer might find it difficult to stand up tall and proud. They WILL be insecure because their looks can only take them so far and they know it.
My close friend told me something really important: “Any guy that gives you up is an idiot for not realizing what he just surrendered.”
My friend is right. I feel that I am worth so much more than the credit I give myself and it is sometimes hard for me to realize that when a relationship of mine doesn’t work out. It makes me feel like I have a million flaws and am undesirable. But now that I have taken the time to reflect on this, I know my worth. Any guy that doesn’t take the time to get to know me and realize all that I have to offer as a person or significant other isn’t worth my time. If the only thing some guy sees in me is my outer appearances, he doesn’t deserve to be with me. I am so much more than my physical body. I am not just some piece of eye candy to be gawked at and played with temporarily. If someone wants me, they need to want ALL of me… not just what looks nice on the outside.
So when people tell me I am beautiful, I want to be able to confidently know they are talking about me inside and out… not just what they see on first impressions. So to all the guys that told me I am perfect on paper but don’t want anything more out of me than what I have to offer sensually, thank you. You not wanting or loving me was the beginning of me wanting and loving myself.
I know I am not truly #foreveralone… because someone, someday will walk into my life and aspire me to give him my all… wholly, completely and confidently.