For the first time in my dating life, I am single. I say this with pride and a pinch of gloom. Being single is a bit of a foreign concept to me because I have never really been on my own. I’ve always relied on someone else to make me feel whole and loved. It wasn’t until I sought out counseling and experienced the most traumatic heartbreak of my life that I realized I needed to love myself before I could ever be with anyone else again.
Being single is a blessing and a curse. It’s great on those fun nights out where you can mingle with whoever catches your fancy, those nights where you just want to sit at home like a total merp and indulge in candy, watching Netflix in your onesie.
But on those other days where all of your friends bring their significant others along and all night it just feels like you’re a fly on the wall to a cheesy romance movie, it can get a bit… lonely.
Although I haven’t been single for very long, it is an elaborate learning process and within the past several months, I’ve learned a lot about dealing with my singledom.
- “I am all I need to be happy”
This one I learned in counseling. You should never have to rely on the presence of another person to make you feel complete, whole, loved, and happy. If you cannot find happiness without someone there to hold your hand or cuddle with you, it’s time for some soul searching. Finding things to occupy your mind and time gives you the opportunity to discover what you like… things that make you excited outside of a relationship. This was the first thing I needed to work on when I first began my journey of being alone. And bringing up the topic of “alone” brings me to my next lesson…
- “Just because you are single, doesn’t mean you’re alone”
I am still a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to this one, but I am working on it! For the longest time I felt so lonely if I was not in a relationship or constantly spending time with my boyfriend. I would jump from relationship to relationship and every time a relationship would end, I would make it my mission to find my next victim. I never saw this as a problem until I asked for advice from my counselor who told me my problems were much bigger than my constant need for social activity. My internal issues were far greater than I had ever even realized or wanted to deal with. Being single for a couple months allowed me to finally face this problem head on. And that’s not to say I dealt with it in a short matter of time because it is a lifelong process that I slowly need to overcome and cope with. Digging deep within yourself and conducting some soul searching is something beneficial about being single. It’s much harder to accomplish this if you are always in a relationship. It gives you time to love yourself and figure out what makes you happy whether you are single or taken.
- “Self-love and appreciation is the greatest thing you can give yourself”
This one is so important. Although one day you will find that special someone that will give you your happily ever after, you are the greatest gift of love you can give yourself. Like I previously mentioned, if you are not happy on your own, no person you ever get into a relationship with will ever fix your problems for you. Sure, new boyfriend will bring some infatuation and entertainment for a short period of time but that spark will eventually fade and you will go back to being unhappy once more. Once that phase hits again, you will find yourself relationship hopping yet again, trying to find someone that can make you happy always. But let’s face it, there is absolutely no such thing as that ‘perfect fairy-tale relationship’. There is no one on the face of this planet that you will agree with on everything. No one can make your internal problems go away and heal. Time does this. Time being spent by yourself, learning about what is obstructing your happiness and working on the problems to fix yourself. Mending your own heart is something that will allow you to grow as a person and make you stronger in the end.
It isn’t fair to the person you are dating to throw all your internal emotions on them and hope they can make you feel better because, truth be told, they won’t. No one can make you better except you. So they next time you end up in a relationship, you will have spent time mending your internal brokenness, and you will be able to figure out if your new boyfriend really does compliment you or if you just think he is making you happy by providing a temporary distraction from your real struggles that we are all sometimes to scared to face.
It’s a great goal to have to want to be able to give your future soul mate the best possible version of you; not the broken defeated version that simply needs a good distraction to feel ‘happy’ momentarily.
Embrace your singleness and use it as a learning experience. Have fun with it! Because when you least expect it, your King or Queen will walk into your life. ❤